Pain

I used to like pain. It made me feel powerful, in control, and proud. To play an entire soccer game as the goalie with a broken wrist, or playing half a lacrosse season with a stress facture in my hip, those experiences made me feel like I could handle anything. That my mind could overcome physical pain and still perform. 

I’ve always felt that all that I accomplished was because of my will. Not nesseccarily my skills, but my unfaltering will. I believed it’s what propelled me to the top of my officer class in the army. Along with my will power I’ve always used manifestation to complete tasks in my life. I would envision the outcome how I wanted it to be and replay it over and over again in my mind. The end result would be pretty much identical to my version of what I thought it would be. 

What happens though when will is tested for a severely long length of time? What happens when no matter how much you think and dream of an outcome it never comes? That’s what happened to me 3 years ago…

Some days are good. The pain is limited and I feel like I could do everything I enjoyed before the incident. I feel like I could run that 50 miler trail run. Play an entire lacrosse game, sprinting the whole two hours. I have found out that those feelings are an illusion and that physical activity sends that dull constant pain right back to my hamstring. 

It’s not unbearable. It’s just constant. Hindering my will. Ruining anything I try to manifest in my mind. Over the course of my first week and a half of training I’ve had good days with the pain and bad. Today is a bad day. I often over look how much this pain effects me, how much it is a part of me. Then on the bad days I am all to aware. 

I am not discouraged from my journey. I believe our bodies are amazing, that they have healing remedies for a lot that can hurt us. This bad day has given me even more motivation to keep pushing. To keep up with my training. I can’t wait to get back in the pool. Bring it on leg day!